Locked down due to Corona , we all are ! And trust me we all are bringing something positive out of it. Me too,Scratch that #METOO. Ring a bell ? It was a whole physical abuse movement and our hearts were bleeding every time we heard one . Towing the same hashtag, today I am sharing my own abuse story my ongoing emotional lockdown with a Narcissist - METOO. It sounded much better in my head but sorry for the silly pun with a serious cause. This is going to be quite a lengthy and a serious post so don't give up on me halfway. Be with me till the end,get your cup of tea ready in your hand and read my life pour.
Abuse is an abuse . Period ... All abuse is not physical or outright verbal. Some abuse like Mental abuse is more insidious and starts out slow with small indiscretions until you are programmed to always accept the bad behavior which kills you on the inside.
How do you discover,acknowledge and prove that you are suffering ? How about you don't even know that you are subject to abuse and torment by a Narcissist personality and your friends and family think your suffering is normal and its okay for you to be treated like that . I SAY - ITS NOT OK AND IT IS ENOUGH.
Narcissist victims like me are perpetually in a state of unawareness of what's going on and why a certain person behaves like a total jerk.There is constant suffering and turmoil and well that part is SCARINGLY REAL !!
I had my share of ups and downs in my life . From a happy go lucky person to always remaining in my zone at the same time quite contented with what I had, living in the moment and always minding my own business is my general mannerism.
The past few months were very Dark and damaging for my mental being . Going through abuse was a very lonely experience. I was dealing with lies , loss of self esteem , deception and so much more. I felt like a frog in boiling water that slowly got cranked up to boiling . My head was messed up and emotions were played with, and all this led to a lingering feeling of helplessness with sudden bursts of my pent up anger generally directed towards my daughter and husband . It was a messed up scenario and I never realized the intensity of it until I started explaining it to my therapist.
This helplessness started to extend to other areas of my life too. I was always anguished , demonstrated inadequate self esteem and my mind kept looking for the answers of my raised aggression and outward signs of annoyance .I tried to calm myself by meditation but all that trauma and flashbacks never left my subconscience . My concentration level dropped from 100 to 0.
My trauma was real and valid and I needed a space to talk about it . Me writing this post is firstly a very Brave step to come out from the paranoia of shame and accepting that I was abused . Second step is coming out of the abuse cycle ( still trying ) and thirdly creating awareness coz any one of you reading it could be facing it and won't even know it . Sad no ? Enlightenment awaits you at the end of the post .
Finally I decided to see a therapist who diagnosed me with Past Traumatic stress disorder . Booom !!!
Now here I was suffering with a real mental condition. So am I crazy ? I asked my therapist. To which she answered , " No you are not but you are led to believe that you are " and this gaslighting can eventually make you crazy, even if you choose not to . Being forced to question your own reality is abuse and the one I was specifically dealing with is Narc Abuse.
I am neither desperate , pathetic or attention seeking , but the magnitude of my struggle was so intense and TBH quite devastating . It was not just a bad relationship experience , it was strangulation of my spirit. It was dismantling and destruction of my inner happiness one piece at a time .Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you so why be around these people ?
So Who is a Narc ? - A person who suffers from Narcissist personality disorder and they leech on to the victims who could be their immediate family member or spouse . On the other hand victims like me become enablers who supply them with attention, our frustation , our own fears , attempts to explain ourselves over and over and vulnerability through emotions/care and that's when a Narcissist become brutal. Narcissist love attention . If they can't get positive attention they master in creating negative attention by inflicting chaos and conflicts. It all made me so uncertain of myself ,constantly seeking clarification with haunting questions like - Did I make a mistake ? Did I misheard something ? Am I unworthy ? And was I doing it all wrong ? Questions , questions and doubts ........... I was defending myself to a Narcissist . Of course The Narc knew I was right they just wanted me to go crazy trying to prove it. And honestly I went.
Hello everyone now Meet the new me - The crazy me Or the Crazy Bee as some of you might like to call me . ( Sorry I promised no jokes , hence no jokes after this point - I shapath )
Now Lets put it in simple lay man words . So who is this Narc again ?
A Narc is a J-E-R-K. You can't diagnose a person for being a jerk and there is no medication avaiable for being one. But the good thing is a lot of people ( like myself) are now contemplating and analyzing this kind of extreme behavior and trying to find where in their life its showing up. I did my own research and you must look out for Dr Ramani's videos on you tube. They help a lot .
ITS AMAZING HOW MUCH DESTRUCTION ONE PERSON CAN CAUSE
In our routine life, you do come across some people who rub you in the wrong way, BUT on the other hand some really get under your skin and create havoc and misery. It was always strange, and bitter around this person and I never knew why there was so much vindictiveness until they decided to enter my life full fledged . It was a state of progressive manipulation where I ultimately found myself always wondering how I ever got in that position .
Since I am no expert on Narcissism, All the opinions and facts mentioned here are sourced from https://wnaad.com/ - a global movement which raises awareness and resources for survial and (Narc-helpguide org)uncovered with my own sufferings .
I was manipulated and then i was made stuck in the pain. I suffered slow abuse over many years and the relationship was already loaded. The good part was that I had a few years off where I was distant hence was partially not in the so called "eligible " Narcissistic victim category, to which I assume there was another scapegoat. It was a temporary break from abuse, I didn't have any knowledge back then about Narcissism and life was pretty fine. But what lied ahead was a more dizzying phase of my life.I didn't see it coming but this time the tactics of abuse were so marvelously hidden that they could easily flyunder society's radar . I quote " Because the abuse is hidden so well ,in reacting to it the victim ( me) appears to be mentally unstable because the world only sees the reaction of the victim and NOT THE INITIAL ABUSE THE VICTIM IS METTED WITH" - You made me go there darling .....
Dealing with Anxiety - Anxiety about what would happen if this relationship ends , or worse, what if It sticks around . It also affected adversly my other patterns in life like eating, sleeping, concentration , mensturation ,bad dreams. This overall sense of worry really overwhelmed me . What was happening to me ? I wanted to find answers . I was never like this . Shit had already hit the fan .
Some qualities of a person with Narcissist Personality disorder which I personally was subjected to
( source - WNAAD )
1. They use control of finances to manipulate
2.Will Always be critical of their victims - But hate it when they are criticized. Hence Always pay attention to what they are accusing you of . Its the closest thing to admittance of themselves and that is what I got in my relationship. 99% of what I was accused of or held accountable for was what that person was doing themselves.
3. Narcissist are pathological Liars and dishonest in their dealings, and since they cannot tolerate disappointment they come out as quite arrogant and suck the whole joy out of any logical communication with their tantrums .
4. Self serving and selfish ( no empathy ) . Always remember because Narcissists are empty and hollow from inside. It will never be enough. Its not that I was not enough, nothing is ENOUGH.
5.Stonewalling - How I was stonewalled and given silent treatment and how it affected me and my mental health .
Stonewalling me was a typical toxic dynamic used by the Narcissist. It is one of the most dangerous trait in a Narcissistic handbook and honestly it did the most mental damage to me. A bunch of issues never got resolved or addressed with this person and silent treatment was used on me the minute I wanted to create an environment to keep a conversation going. The silence to questions like "what should we do about the car "or "bills "Or "how do you plan to repay a loan, were never looked as matters to resolve" instead were matters of potential conflicts in their larger plan to entitlement. I was getting walled up. It was like a choking feeling for me. Not able to figure what I am going through or what is this constant feeling of mental paralysis or running dead against a wall , I seeked advise from my therapist. During my phone conversation with her she used a term "Stonewalling" I immediately got excited . Yeah that's how I feel, i exclaimed. There is a wall of stone and I am just banging my head on it continuously magically expecting a "Khul Ja Sim sim " moment.
Learning this new word used in Narc vocabulary ,my relatability got a new direction. Everything was clear now. Plastic cut outs of one liners used by this Narcissist like "OK", " I will let you know later and " I will think about it " it all made sense . I was STONEWALLED ... or STONE-WOW-LED.
She asked me to watch a video explained by Dr Ramani on stonewalling and the revelation was shocking . Dr. ramani says - The idea of growing a relationship from a point of vulnerabilty to trust is never on a radar for such people . Narcissist wants censoring a possible solution which in the first place can be easily arrived by having a converstaion . These simple tools for sorting out issues or deep stuff are so complicated for a Narcissist hence putting work in a relationship is never the way these Morons think . Plus they get a high knowing now they control you, which is the same as getting high from drugs. This is how they dose and this was what was exactly happening with me . The abuser was dosing with control and I was tripping in trauma. It is like vodoo. I couldn't put a finger on it, didn't know how to get out of it and my sanity was questionable.
And what was even more funny was I was taking responsibility of this toxic pattern even though it was being done to me. I was called too pushy, hasty and insensitive in the process and trust me at one point I believed I was all these things. So much for my self worth all going in the bin.
This makes me draw up 2 things to clear this self blaming smoke and if you find yourself in the same position, learn from my experience.
a) The questions I asked this Jerk were uncomortable to answer because the answers would reveal the malicious plan they had in mind.( remeber they are manipulative) read point 1 again.
b) I was already close on catching up on the Bull shit of this person I cared for and I was being punished for finding out.
puzzle solved.
This passive aggressive behaviour was Abuse of a higher level to not only hurt me but it felt like some
" Back Door " insult where this person wasn't screaming or angry but was acting ridiculously petty and emotionally stunting. I became certain of one thing- that this relationship was coming to a DOWNFALL and it was made to look like it was my fault .
Now take this feeling and put yourself in my shoe and experience that feeling. How do you feel now ? Shitty ? Welcome to my world of emotional hell .
6.Narcissist are Super envious and jealous of their victims . So was my abuser . It comes from a typical Narcissist trait of feeling the sense to entitlement.
"They love what you could do for them more than they Love you."
They simply demand and do not listen. You are only useful as long as you provide. Gimme Gimme Gimme! I was supposed to magically mind read this person's needs and wishes to make them happy and if I ran out of ideas all hell was unleashed at me. No matter how benevolent my family was in making this jerk comfortable , in the end we were left emotionally and financially drained but instead were tagged as selfish, guilt tripped for not caring enough and always inadequate. Just the opposite. It was getting exhausting and honestly so tiring.
7. Narcissit Never admits to being wrong and will never take No for an answer . They would simply not listen .
8. Narcissist have poor respect for boundaries and they love invading your privacy .They love to destroy/ steal any of your personal possessions that belong to you especially that hold some value in your life - source- Narc mental health survivor guidelines .
There was a lot of snooping around in my life , what I am wearing, eating , secretly reading my texts and making the contents public at the same time hiding my personal photo albums, and doing sneaky things to hurt me which I couldn't prove but even if I somehow managed to prove it, all my abuser did was fake innocence (pathological liars ).
My personal belongings started missing/hidden and I never understood all these red flags that I was dealing with a Narcissist and that too with a kleptomaniac trait. Now tell me can I pass it as an act of dumbness ? Seriously .........I ask you . Would you rather think its dumb Or this repetitive bad behaviour is inflicted in all their awareness ?
Let me also answer this - For someone to do that they must come from a place of sick satisfaction. They know how to push the boundaries to get one frustrated response from their victim coz deep down you are done with this sadist behaviour and they know it and that's when they creep in to change the game . They crave for you to give one negative reaction/supply for which they make you go there purposely and the minute you snap, they suddenly become the victim and that too in front of an auedience . You tell me now, does that sound like too " DUMB " to know what they do ? THEY KNOW .
9. Narcissist are delusional . Thats why my abuser was always able to rationalize all their bad behavior and feel no guilt for all the horrible things done to me . Read point 4 again . Yes lack of empathy .
You Can't confront a Narc and say You did this you did that Blah blah blah !! Na na its not happening .
Reason : They are manipulative and live in denial. The emperor has no clothes and he can't be told. All I ended up was going round and round in circles . No matter which way I moved I was walking into an Abyss .
You can't move anywhere in this relationship . You can't move out of it and you can't communicate about it. I was desperately trying to hold it together and since my loving folks had no understanding of a Narc behavior, they were helplessly looking at me going crazy. And in a weird way it felt like I was . Any sane person would go crazy. The relationship was slowly breaking me apart. Its a difficult and horrible experience to go through and I don't wish it on anyone.
The Narcissist exaggerated or grandiose sense of self-importance prevents them from owning their part in problems . That means you are the one who ruined everything in their life thats less than perfect. In my case , I am the one who is responsible for Covid19 and since their future plans got disrupted/stalled because of Lockdown, I should be taking the blame . That is how pathetic their thought process is . I dismissed it earlier but when I saw Dr. Ramani's Instagram post - That A Narcissist would blame you for the pandemic, my inner voice was only whispering two words - "GET OUT "
Ever heard of the phase "Instant Karma"? "maybe its getting delivered" .
Narcissistic Trust issues and how it affected me
My abuser has serious trust issues with me . This was self destructive for my conscience and quite shattering since I was always the giver in the relationship . No matter what I or my family did or offered for that person ,we were never good enough. This eventually drove me to sheer madness and irritability and I didn't feel like myself most of the times. There was a pattern to this abuse I was subjected to, I couldn't unsee this pattern nor I knew what it was .
Narcissist never Own up and are Pathological liars.Giving them a chance is enabling them. Enabling to come and abuse you even more .
My abuser lied so convincingly but always incorporating a grain of truth , ( tiny grain ) so that their stories sound believable. Even if their stories didn't add up in my case, they were told with such confidence and conviction that the audience starts filling the gaps with benefit of doubt . The use of fake vulnerability and fake humility always worked for my abuser to trash me , and put me at fault . Even when I tried to disprove these fabrications with facts for eg presenting proof of a conversation which happened but the liar in the Narcissist kept denying it, I was called out for being petty to have that proof in the first place. I suddenly became the Black sheep coz I was able to see through all the bull shit and was called dismissive and Mean and trust me all this became more and more fatal because I started questioning my own reality for taking the liar to the cleaners .Did I do right by exposing that person ? So what if they lied ? Maybe I was wrong for having a proof of their lie. Trust me I was shifting my own normalcy .
Toxic people condition you to belive that the problem isn't the abuse itself ,but your reaction to it -source -wiki .
My abuser maintains a calm , easy-going , angelic and well composed fascade which is very convincing to the outside world . But the true malevolent dark face was only unleashed to me in private. Narcos are in full control of their vulnerability because they know your weak spots or emotions , which they will use against you in the moments when you will try to expose them. All this comes from a sense of control , because a Narcissists are controlling,they have to win . It makes them feel powerful . This false sense of power can come from fame or irrelevant material things and importantly from assests and
money (mostly not their own rather obtained through cheating the victim or manupulation with a Pseudo feeling that they are entitled to it)
PLS SAVE THE PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
IF SOMEONE ENTRUSTS YOU WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THEY ARE BEING ABUSED PLEASE DON'T DOUBT THEM . RATHER ASK -
"WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU "
Narcissist and The #FLYINGMONKEYS
Flying Monkeys is a term used in popular Psycology and is associated with Narcissistic abuse ( and you thought I am bringing some pun to my trauma - NOPE ) Its so ironic coz I actually felt like being dealt with monkeys in literal sense. So who are these people which mental science hilariously calls as monkeys ? Are they in your life too ? If they are you must look out for them and block them for good.
FLYINGMONKEYS or the Negative vibe tribe . In simpler words they are Narcissist agents who acts as proxy and do the bidding on behalf of Narcissist . They can be your family members or your close friends whom the narcissist has so convincingly succeded into manipulating that they start believing the abuser's narrative.
Stories told by this Narcissist in my life were told with such conviction, and despite being aware of the invalidation done to me, these flying monkeys kept saying things like “ oh come on let it be like that”, “if that is what he/she wants let them do it that way”, the Narcissist fan club not only remained supportive of the Narcissist but also felt sorry for this shady abuser. So twisted.
Whereas On the flip side I was once threatened that if I didn't abide by the shots the Narcisisst wanted to take and not only that, if I didn't help the Narcissist in their schemes which I clearly knew originated from manipulation (remember postponing, excuses, lies that is how they deal with issues )my abuser would then have full rights to delay/withhold pending urgent issues.
I felt more silenced and more invalidated. It was like I should become an obedient foot soldier who should be executing plans unquestioningly. Its not healthy to have your feelings and fears minimised and statements like these were designed to pull out maximum guilt from me.
And in Siding with the Narc, they were not only condoning the abuse towards me , they were miserably failing to take a stand by lacking morality.You need to be a sadist to stand with the Narcissist sadist thoughts and actions which made me believe that these flying monkeys always had a unresolved vendetta against me and this shadowboxing was giving some sort of thrill to them. While I was guilt shamed into agreeing to most of the things, in order to maintain peace my therapist calls it a legit TRAUMA RESPONSE to abuse. And by doing that I not only disrespected my boundaries rather made myself a whole lot uncomfortable. There was a joint effort to take me down and infact I felt everyone was there to just pick the meat off my bones in the name of assistance and I was getting pulled into their drama more and more.I felt as if I could never get out of this RUT. Abandoning the Narc for my peace of mind only meant more pain through guilt and shame schemed in words, blackmailed through emotions, by these flying monkeys that at one point I thought they were more menacing than the Narc itself and impacted my condition even more. IS IT WORTH IT ? Sadly NO.
Save your energy and don't reason. I now leave the Colosseum and let the Universe deliver justice . READ THAT AGAIN .
Closure - There isn't one so don't even expect one.Realising that a Narcissist is Batshit crazy is your closure.
Cutting contact with toxic people and Narcissist will transform your life .
At first it feels miserable , and I held myself guilty for not being there for that person ,but as time goes on it feels each passing day is an unexpected blessing . This realization would have not come to me at a better timing than these difficult pandemic times coz practically I am spending more time with my thoughts at home right now and trust me these thoughts are positive and directed towards my growth and love for my husband and daughter . There is lot of self-respect , boundaries have given me a new zest for life and I am nurturing self care like no other times . Instead of running around absorbing and forgiving everything I am spending time with my family who do not behave in a way that requires constant explaining to begin with . The freedom is allowing my spirit to thrive . I am sure one day I would be looking back thinking how I even tolerated interacting with such unhealthy person/s . Healing has now involved me into acknowledging the reality of the situation and moving on knowing this could never be the healthy loving relationship I want or I was hoping for . Getting out and not giving any benefit of doubt is my new mantra .
My new self has started feeling protective of my old self and that's a pretty neat place to be.
Today on 1st June- World Narcissist Abuse Awareness day , I dedicate this post to all the surviors stuck in a relationship with a Narc. Its about knowledge , sharing, Identifying the signals and do some soul healing . You can heal from broken bones but its the broken souls that need forever to heal. Don't be in a one sided relationship, identify these signals and muster up the courage to walk out of abuse. Its not about being selfish , its saving your life and that should be the only thing that MATTERS .
Love and Healing
Surbee
